some of you may have read the scurrilous reporting in the daily telegraph the other day, which claimed that, over the past several years, i have habitually been robbing banks and mugging old ladies.

i would like to state quite categorically that these incidents were merely administrative errors on my part and i intend to pay the money back in full. i would also like to express my disgust at the behaviour of the [former] speaker of the house of commons, who allowed me to get away with it overlooked this administrative error for so long.

i now consider the matter closed and earnestly trust that the police do too!

sunday 02 march 2008…

it’s OK - i dinnae think anyone whose tongue isnae permanently coated in royal shite thought you were, diddums!

OK - here’s an interesting theory for you based - needless to say - on purely fictitious set of circumstances and [libel lawyers please note] not on anything currently in the news:

imagine a couple on a foreign holiday with their small children.  the parents, being a pair of fuckwitts, decide to go out for a meal one night, leaving their three year old daughter and even younger son alone in their holiday apartment. when the parents return home that night they discover, to their horror, that the wee girl has had some kind of accident - perhaps fallen down the stairs or knocked some heavy object over on top of herself - and she is dead!

the parents now have two choices:

* they can either call the authorities, ‘fess up to their negligence and take whatever punishment is due to them for leaving two infants alone in an apartment in a foreign country, while they went out enjoying themselves.

or…

* they can dispose of the body and then call the authorities claiming that their daughter has been abducted and thereafter take every opportunity to help in stirring up a media whirlwind,  intended to throw suspicion on someone… anyone..  anywhere in europe and turn the finger of blame away from themselves.

of course, as i say, this is a purely fictitious set of circumstances i just made up - i’m sure it would never happen in real life.  but it makes you wonder doesn’t it, what it would be like when the truth eventually came out. methinks a lot of tabloid journalists’ faces would suddenly look very eggy indeed!