bilge - sook my stupid brain!

they’ve made you a moron

madra — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 10:02:53 +0000

former ‘coolest man on the planet’ john lydon’s descent into ‘z-lebrity’ twattishness sinks to new depths, as he ’stars’ in this cringe-making advert for country life butter, currently airing on british television. perhaps it wouldnae be quite so excruciatingly embarrassing if the increasingly hypocritical cunt didnae keep turning up every five minutes on documentaries about punkrock [...]

because the corridors of power - they’re an ocean away!

madra — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 12:26:04 +0000

one of the unfortunate consequences of living in the fifty-first state of america is that we have to suffer the ball-grinding tedium that goes along with - not one but two! - general election campaigns. as well as watching the snivelling antics of our own bunch of cretins, we also have [...]

‘political correctness’ - meet ‘barrel-scraping’

madra — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 12:48:50 +0000

it takes a special kind of fuckwitt to come up with a programme idea which combines elements of unoriginality, political-correctness and americanisation in such a haddock-stinking way that i truly thought this was an early april fool’s joke, when i stumbled upon it on the BBC’s website. for what you are looking at here, dear reader, [...]

question marks

madra — Fri, 21 Mar 2008 12:02:19 +0000

laying into the advertising industry is a bit like kicking a dead man with two sets of knackers - not much of a challenge and plenty to aim for. but, what the hell. it’s the easter holidays and i’m entitled to take things easy. so today, children let’s contemplate one of the [...]

we’ve got a domain name…

madra — Thu, 13 Mar 2008 22:13:35 +0000

… and we know how to use it! after nearly four years of fearless journalistic outpourings and with my loyal readership only just still able to be counted on the fingers of jeremy beadle’s spaccy hand - i thought it high time that ‘bilge - sook my stupid brain!’ emerged from under the haddock-smelling, piss-stained underskirts [...]

from the news of the screws…

madra — Mon, 03 Mar 2008 18:13:07 +0000

sunday 02 march 2008… it’s OK - i dinnae think anyone whose tongue isnae permanently coated in royal shite thought you were, diddums!

dedicated fuckwitts of fashion

madra — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 08:27:10 +0000

my contempt for that large percentage of the female population who would go out wearing a sack of dogshit tied round their waist if some skull-faced bitch in cosmopolitan told them to - and would then ponce round looking down their snotty noses at anyone ‘uncool’ enough not to be similarly attired - knows almost [...]

mastermind sketch

madra — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 11:22:11 +0000

MASTERMIND SKETCH interior. the familiar black chair, spotlit from above. a sweet-looking [if slightly bewildered] old biddy is sitting in the chair clutching her handbag defensively in front of her chest and smiling innocently at the quizmaster. the mastermind theme tune could be fading out in the background. QUIZMASTER your name please BIDDY edith bramble QUIZMASTER and your spe…. EDITH [interrupting him] i’m ninety-seven, [...]

butcher’s shop sketch

madra — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 11:19:31 +0000

BUTCHER’S SHOP SKETCH interior. a butcher’s shop. the butcher is standing behind the counter, smiling inanely, as a customer enters the shop and approaches him. in fact, throughout the scene both butcher and customer should maintain an almost manically cheerful and enthusiastic disposition. CUSTOMER good morning madam. i would like to purchase a fitted kitchen, please. BUTCHER an attitude [...]

tennis commentator sketch

madra — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 11:14:18 +0000

THE WIMBLEDON COMMENTATOR the commentator is of the ‘old school’ - an old fuddy-duddy type with a public school accent. think “dan maskell”. COMMENTATOR: and so as jock mc tavish prepares to serve in this deciding game, the hopes of british tennis rest squarely on his young shoulders… he bounces the ball… once… twice… he serves… [pause “thwack” noise [...]