today has been a great day for comedy shopping. not only did i discover the ultimate in infidel-crushing timepieces but also - while doing a quick nip round asda - i came across this magnificent product, which apparently sells like hotcakes to lonely widows and heavily moustacheod gentlemen in suspiciously tight leather trousers. [...]

i’ve been trying for the past couple of days to come up with a reasoned and considered response to the fact that the greater manchester electorate have voted 79% to 21% against the idea of allowing our thieving local councils to steal any more of our money for ’stuff we’ve already paid them for’ [...]

MASTERMIND SKETCH
interior. the familiar black chair, spotlit from above.  a sweet-looking [if slightly bewildered] old biddy is sitting in the chair clutching her handbag defensively in front of her chest and smiling innocently at the quizmaster.  the mastermind theme tune could be fading out in the background.
QUIZMASTER
your name please
BIDDY
edith bramble
QUIZMASTER
and your spe….
EDITH
[interrupting him] i’m ninety-seven, [...]