BUTCHER’S SHOP SKETCH
interior. a butcher’s shop. the butcher is standing behind the counter, smiling inanely, as a customer enters the shop and approaches him. in fact, throughout the scene both butcher and customer should maintain an almost manically cheerful and enthusiastic disposition.
CUSTOMER
good morning madam. i would like to purchase a fitted kitchen, please.
BUTCHER
an attitude that does you credit, sir! unfortunately this is a butcher’s shop.
CUSTOMER
[as if unfamiliar with the term] a “butcher’s shop” eh? well, that would seem to put a dampener on my expectations.
BUTCHER
[extending his hand for the customer to shake] “john quives”, sir. master butcher and purveyor of quality cuts of meat and reconstituted meat products.
CUSTOMER
bravo! - now this is exactly the kind of informative customer service i was after! you can keep your B&Qs and your IKEAs. for me it’s the small, independent, local retailer every time!
BUTCHER
[beaming with pride] it’s kind and generous of you to say so, sir. when i saw you walking through that door i said to myself; “brindsley” i said, “brindsley. that’s a kind and generous looking customer, that is!”
CUSTOMER
[confused] i thought you said your name was “john”?
BUTCHER
i did, sir. and it is, sir. “brindsley”s what you might call my “show name”, sir.
CUSTOMER
excellent! well - what would you recommend for a smallish kitchen with a south-facing aspect?
BUTCHER
[apologetic - indicating the shelves around him] just the meat i’m afraid, sir.
CUSTOMER
topping! - [enthusiastic] something to give the place a real ‘rustic’ feel.
BUTCHER
[seizing on the word] “rustic” sir? well, our coarse-cut cumberland sausage is very highly spoken of.
CUSTOMER
wonderful! - does that come in durable mahogany veneer, with a wipe-clean surface?
BUTCHER
[picking up a sausage and examining it critically]. it comes in a synthi-skin covering, sir, and is a delightful accompaniment to red wine or strong, dark ale.
CUSTOMER
[strokes his chin thoughtfully] stupendous! - although i’m not overly enamoured with the colour. rather pink for my tastes. [hastily] not that i’m prejudiced you understand. it’s just that the missus… [pauses thoughtfully with a faraway look in his eye]
[awkward silence - during which the confused looking butcher also stares off into the middle distance in the same direction as the customer]
[eventually]
BUTCHER
[shaking his head, as if coming out of a hypnotic spell] the missus, sir?
CUSTOMER
exactly! - i’m glad you understand
[another awkward pause]
BUTCHER
[trying to bring the conversation back on track]
well, sir. the cumberland does brown up nicely under the grill sir.
CUSTOMER
[incredulous] does it really? - astonishing! - what’ll those crazy boffins back at the lab think up next?!
BOTH [chuckle]
BUTCHER
[sensing a sale] so, shall i wrap sir up a nice half pound of the cumberland then, sir?
CUSTOMER
[hesitant] are the included assembly instructions complete, comprehensive and easy to follow?
BUTCHER
er, there aren’t any included assembly instructions as such, sir. grilling a sausage is a very straightforward and painless procedure. why, a child could do it, sir!
CUSTOMER
[slightly irritated] that’s easy for you to say. standing there in your striped apron, with your air of smug superiority and twenty years of experience in all weathers and with all configurations of kitchen. but what happens when i get home and it’s just me - man and his wits pitted against everything that mother nature can throw at him? what happens then, when one of the doors comes loose and the missus…? [pauses thoughtfully with a faraway look in his eye]
[awkward silence - during which the confused looking butcher also stares off into the middle distance in the same direction as the customer]
[eventually]
BUTCHER
[shaking his head, as if coming out of a hypnotic spell] the missus, sir?
CUSTOMER
exactly! - i’m glad you understand.
[another awkward pause]
CUSTOMER
of course, i’ll be wanting a really sturdy table as well. [pause] this… er…. “meat” of yours. what would be my best option for a nice, solid, no-nonsense dining table?
BUTCHER
[looking around the shelves thoughtfully] well… [pause] i suppose the logical place to start would be with a quartet of bratwurst, stout and true, for the legs…
CUSTOMER
[nodding in agreement] naturally!
BUTCHER
[with ever-increasing enthusiasm as he warms to his task] … calf’s liver filligre for the decorative stuff!… [thowing his arms wide, as if indicating something huge] … a vast expanse of aberdeen angus pattie for the tabletop!… and… [banging his fist on the counter in excitement] …the whole bloody lot glazed with a scratch-resistant brawn coating and securely fastened together with silken sinews of grade ‘A’ tripe!
CUSTOMER
[impressed] marvellous!
BUTCHER
i wouldn’t recommend it though, sir.
CUSTOMER
no?…. and why not?
BUTCHER [sadly]
it would be shite, sir… a great sweaty fart of a table, sir. people would come from miles around just to point at you and your idiotic table and laugh
CUSTOMER
[also sadly] they do that already.
BUTCHER
and it would stink to high heaven in the hot weather, sir.
CUSTOMER
[disappointed] hmmm… while i admire the cut of your jib and your sterling honesty, your sales pitch has left me somewhat bereft of enthusiasm for the continuation of this transaction.
BUTCHER
[dejected] perhaps sir would be better off trying the DIY shop next door…?
[we remain with the butcher as he picks up a sausage, spits on it and begins absentmindedly to polish it with a tea towel, gazing wistfully out of shot after the departing customer. a few seconds later we hear the sound of a bell tinkling in the distance [ie. the customer has entered the DIY shop next door]
CUSTOMER
[OOV] two small sirloin steaks please, madam!
THE END
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