let me tell you a story of fuckwittedness, so breathtaking in its retardedness, that it would make even employees of that great evolutionary backwater, manchester city council, shake their microcephalic heads in disbelief:

way back in 2003, my college arranged broadband connections for all the staff in our department,  through a company called “poptel” [which later changed its name to "the phone co-op"].

in april of this year [2005 - in case you're reading this in the distant future... or past], i decided to call it a day with the phone co-op and move to another broadband provider, partially due to the fact that college weren’t going to pay for it anymore and partially because i fancied having a broadband connection which didn’t regularly go down on a friday afternoon and then not work again til the following monday morning! [24 hour support anyone?]

anyway, in preparation of the switch to another provider, i emailed the phone co-op, toward the end of april, asking for both the precise date when my account was due to terminate and also for my MAC code [a MAC code is required to transfer a broadband account from one broadband provider to  another].  the phone co-op emailed  back telling me my account with them had already terminated, but didn’t provide the necessary MAC code.  i emailed again, asking for the code.

from april to september this year, i waited for my MAC code to arrive - the annoyance of said wait ameliorated only slightly by the fact that,  my broadband connection still seemed to work intermittently.  well, i say “intermittently” but in reality, it was quite hard to spot the difference, given the poor quality of the service at the best of times.  at the end of september, however, my creaking, wheezing excuse for a broadband connection finally bit the dust - this time terminally. 

at the beginning of october, i tried to sign up for broadband with a new provider but, as expected, was unable to do so, as the online “broadband availability checker” [a database maintained by BT] was showing that my phoneline already had an active broadband account.  so, i got back in touch with the phone co-op again, reminding them that i was still waiting for my MAC code and politely stating that, since my broadband had now completely died, i’d appreciate it if they’d get their fucking fingers out and send me it pronto, so i could switch to my new provider.  and thus begins the long descent into hell….

04 oct 2005
i get a reply from guy ohlenshlager at the phone co-op, saying that ‘their supplier’ told them my line was terminated back in may and promising he will “raise the matter with them again”.  yet again, he doesn’t supply the oft-requested MAC code, that i’ve been asking for since april, but states he may do in future if that is the “best route”.

06  oct 2005
i haven’t heard from anything further from the phone co-op, so i email them again asking for a progress report.

09 oct 2005
still no reply, so i ring the phone co-op and speak to their support people and explain the  situation again.  they promise to look into it and get back to me.

10 oct 2005
i get an email from sue collins at the phone co-op, saying ‘their supplier’ has confirmed that the line is terminated.  she blames  BT for not updating the [broadband availability database] records.  she tells me to ring BT wholesale and do it myself

10 oct 2005
i ring BT and basically they laugh in my stupid face, telling me that BT wholesale [the branch of the company which deals with supplying bulk broadband to companies like the phone co-op and also maintaining the broadband availability database]  won’t speak to the public and that i have to get my ISP [ie. the phone co-op] to ring them directly

11 oct 2005
i ring sue collins at the phone co-op on the number she gave me on her earlier email, but get through instead to someone called “sean” who, in an irritatingly transparent attempt to “show he’s on my side” [which he obviously picked up in advanced "fobbing people off" classes at business school], inists on addressing me constantly by my first name, and promises to ” take ownership of the situation” [ "advanced meaningless buzzword class", that one!] he promises to get back to me when he’s sorted it out.  he also blames ‘their supplier’ and says that they “no longer have a working relationship” with them.

sometime between 13 - 20 oct 2005
having heard fuck all from the phone co-op  [as usual!], i ring sean on the number he’s given me, but this time get through to some anonymous female [could it have been sue collins again?]  i complain about the lack of progress, the lack of info and their support people forever promising to ring me back, but never doing so.  she promises faithfully that she’ll ring me straight back after she’s rung BT herself. needless to say she never rings back!

30 oct 2005
a couple of weeks later, while away at the annual goth festival in whitby, i get a voicemail left on my phone from the elusive sean,  asking if i’ve sorted out my problem and found a new provider, seeing as he’s run my phone number through the broadband availability checker and it is showing it has an active broadband connection on it!

11 nov 2005
i ring sean and tell him that nothing has been sorted on my line and the fact that the broadband availability checker is showing that i’ve already got an active broadband connection is both the reason i’ve been asking them for support and the obstacle that’s preventing me getting a broadband connection from anyone else in the first place! [for fuck's sake!]

he says their mysterious  ’supplier’ had “categorically” assured him that the “broadband tags“  had been removed from my line [broadband tags are placed on your phoneline by your ISP when you get broadband with them,  to mark it as having an active broadband account, and are supposed to be removed by them when your contract terminates - which has obviously not happened in my case].  i tell sean i am considering legal action as it’s costing me business and money.  on hearing this, the fake bonhomie disappears instantly and he gets really arsey with me, saying he’s been working on the case non-stop [yeah - right!] and even has the gall to blame me for the delay, saying i’d  “let a lot of water go under the bridge” since it had taken me  a week and a bit to ring him back after he left the voicemail while i was in whitby.

he suggests i ring their suppliers directly [who he tells me are "networks direct"]  myself to sort it out.  i point out to him that my broadband contract was with the phone co-op and it’s not my responsibility to go chasing after their subcontractors

12 nov 2005
against my better judgement i ring BT again to try and resolve it myself.  i get no help from the first support girl i speak to [nichola], so i ask to speak to her manager.  i get put through  to “steve mcdonald” who identifies himself as the office manager and then proceeds to fob me off again, suggesting i “escalate it with my ISP” [dontcha just love business-speak?!]  he also refuses again to put me in touch with BT wholesale, repeating the mantra that they will only speak to ISPs and ridiculously claiming he doesn’t have a number for them anyway. yes, folks.  you can pay those leeches at BT £40 a quarter, for the privelege of having a phoneline, for over a decade, but at the end of the day, they’re not going to lower themselves to actually speaking to you about it.  run along now. there’s a good boy and get a grown-up like your ISP to ring them instead!

mcdonald finally shrugs me off with the suggestion i get in touch with ofcom [the office of communications].

14 nov 2005
i file an online complaint with ofcom, citing both the phone co-op’s mis-management of my account and BT’s refusal to help me in any way.

22 nov 2005
whilst waiting for ofcom’s response, i decide to give both the phone co-op and BT one last chance, so i write to the managing directors of both companies, summarising the situation and informing them that i have lodged an official complaint with ofcom and inviting them to try and alleviate the problem “even at this late stage…”.  as expected, i am not deemed worthy of even the  courtesy of a reply from BT [roll on the day when cable comes to my street and i can fuck that loathsome company right off out of my life forever!].

24 nov 2005
i receive a reply from ofcom, saying amongst other things…

We do not have any knowledge of what the relationship was between Phone Co-Op and Networks Direct but it does not seem unreasonable for you to expect Phone Co-Op to assist you in getting the broadband tags removed. If Phone Co-Op maintains there is nothing else they can do they are obliged to belong to an Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) scheme….

and…

Ofcom is aware there is an issue in the telecoms industry about removing broadband tags from telephone lines. We are currently looking into this. Ofcom has a duty to minimise regulatory burdens and wants the industry to show it can regulate itself. It is in the industry’s own interests to show it can have an efficient and effective working process. If it cannot then formal regulation could be introduced. Ofcom intends to undertake a consultation on all aspect of switching providers including broadband….

they advise me to report the phone co-op to the telecoms ombudsman, OTELO.

30 nov 2005
miraculously, i get a telephone call from a woman who identifies herself as marianne jeffrey;  no less than the PA to the CEO of the phone co-op.  she apologises profusely and tells me she will bring it to the attention of the main man himself on the following day, says she will write to me to confim all of this and also promises faithfully that she’ll ring me on the following wednesday [7th december] to tell me what they’re going to do about it.

2nd dec 2005
i receive the promised letter from ms. jeffrey.  i think it’s worth reproducing in full here, if only to marvel at the grammar and spelling as an indication of competence level of the company i’m dealing with here, and perhaps also to speculate as to what other qualities the woman might have that enabled her to rise so high, with so little grasp of the english language.

14 dec 2005
i find out the contact details of networks direct, the company from whom the phone co-op say they originally sub-leased my broadband connection and the people they blame for the non-removal of the broadband tags. i write to them, explaining the situation and asking can they do anything to help. needless to say, once more, i don’t receive the common courtesy of a reply. 

and so that brings us [finally!] to the present day.  i never did hear from the delightful ms. jeffrey again and my phoneline is still blocked by these cunting broadband tags that the phone co-op, or networks direct, acting  on their behalf put on it.  i’m trying to run an internet based design business from home, using a fucking modem and with every day that goes past, i’m both losing money through not being able to access the internet as and when i want to and also wasting money, wrestling with this pitiful 56k dial-up connection, whenever i do go online. 

the OTELO route seems to be my best option now, but unfortunately they won’t look at it until three months after i first raised the dispute with the phone co-op.  that won’t be til the beginning of january, so i’m pulled up on the information hard shoulder til then.  one thing’s for sure tho’,  the bastards aren’t going to get away with this!  once i’ve got things sorted and got back online, i’ll be consulting with m’learned friends and someone - whether that be the phone co-op, BT or networks direct is going to be held accountable for all the time and expense it’s costing me every day that my phoneline remains hijacked in this way.

and now a festive christmas competition.  there’ll be a shiny tuppence to the first bright boy or girl who can tell me how many “jokes” or “punchlines” are contained in this fanciful boast, taken from the front page of the phone co-op’s website.  i spotted at least three before my irony overload fuse blew…

this bilge was posted on 20 December 2005 at 14:22and is filed under fuckwitts' corner. you can follow any responses to this bilge through the RSS 2.0 feed. you can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.